Life in the time of coronavirus

I want to remember this time-

Back in March, we started hearing talk of this novel virus. Actually, even earlier than March. But it was around early to mid March when we all started to wonder and concern started to take root.

It began with overconsumption of media. The TV on all night, flipping between channels to hear the most about this COVID-19. Reading and scrolling, listening, texting and talking to family. Anxiety started knocking like an unwelcome guest. Soon enough, it made its home in my mind and as hard as I tried to kick it out, it stayed pretty put.

I don’t really want to talk about it though… not the negatives. I realize each one of us, from essential employee to working from home to laid off to working a temporary job… each one of us has had our own unique experience with this virus and in this time. I can only speak to my own experience, which feels like a pretty lucky one. I’m not an essential employee. Ben still has his job, and he is able to work from home. We never worried about lack of food or shelter. Often I have felt relieved to have this time at home. But of course there are good days, and there are bad days. There are also just days. Days that blur together and somehow it’s almost June…

My thoughts and feelings on this virus and this time of life are too many to express in words. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel thankful. Some days I miss hugging people. Some days I’m just happy to be in my little home with the love of my life.

There was a period of time during this quarantine when I couldn’t sleep at all, so I wrote down some of my feelings. Here’s a piece of my brain from one of those nights-

I’m not trying to write.

The words just flood my brain

I’m not trying to feel

But there it all is again.

It’s not like a circle, no.

More like a spiral

Or a dream.

One thing turns to another and another

and it all feels so-

Visceral…

Everyone is staying home

Quiet streets and

Anxious feet

Buildings loom tall and still the

flowers bloom

Signs of spring, of life… after all.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do-

Answer emails

Study for exams

Don’t drink too much coffee but coffee is also better than wine

Or is it?

Listen to your body but also listen to

me and me and me and me

Call your parents

Call your grandma

Get exercise every day

Stay positive! This too shall pass! God is still! Good! Everything! Happens! For! A! REASON!

Does it though

Who knows

I really don’t.

All I know is, I want to remember this-

The chaos

The anxiety

The worry.

Then the weird calm

Masked faces

Extra sleep

3 chocolate chip cookies every night

Dancing in the kitchen

Learning to make the perfect grilled cheese

Hearing all five pairs of my favorite footsteps every morning

In one house

My childhood home

Rereading the books Mr. Roets told me to read in high school

Indiana Jones on repeat

Late night fires

Drives around town in the Miata with the top down and heat on full blast

Learning to sew from my mom

Treehouse Masters

New Girl

The Office

To Kill a Mockingbird

Ignoring emails,

Chaotically answering emails

Now it’s two months later. And what,

Have we learned?